So it’s Sunday night. Another weekend gone. And I just feel… Unenthused, about everything really.
I don’t know if this is something I’ve been feeling for a while or if it’s only been in the last week or so. I’m really terrible at remembering emotions and feelings from the past, I just know how I feel in this moment and it always feels like I’ve been feeling like this forever.
But at this moment in time it just feels like a repeating cycle of the same thing week in and week out, and I just want to know, is this it?
Yes this is going to make me sound like an ungrateful, whingy bitch. Like I’m incredibly greedy because there are people out there that would kill to have days like me.
It might have to do with my job. For the last 6 months my job has consisted of sitting in a corner by myself and filing, pretty much all day everyday. It was my choice to take this job and I was warned this was what it was going to be, but I guess I hoped that I wouldn’t be here this long. Some days it’s really not bad, it’s nice sitting away from all the office drama and politics, but there’s a lot of days where it’s shit. Purely and simply, shit. Not mentally challenging in the slightest, and I’m treated like I’m an idiot or a little bit special every single day – ‘awww filing today?’ yes I am filing every goddamned day. Most of the time I’m able to push through and just focus on what I need to do, but on Thursday I had a job interview for a different department, and it really sounded like a bit of a dream job, but regardless I didn’t get it, which is fine, but it really made me realise how much I really resent what my everyday job entails. Yes something else will come up, but that could be another 6 months from now and I can’t handle this mundane, monotonous job for much longer. I am also still on a temporary contract, which means I’m working fulltime hours but not accruing any annual leave or sick leave, so any time off I have I don’t get paid for.
It might be the fact I feel like I’m in a rut. I’ve got plans for my future and as I’m incredibly impatient and I want to do it now, starting with buying a house. I’m ready to adult. But with both of our jobs not stable for the future it’s just not possible. I want to at least book a holiday so I have something to look forward to, but again the lack of annual leave means I can’t afford to not get paid for the time I take off. Also again, unstable jobs means we may not have income at some stage so I need to be prepared to take over the money side if need be. Right now I feel like I have nothing I’m working towards, which is an unfamiliar sensation for me.
It might be the fact I feel lonely. Mitch loves me, I’m sure he does, but he doesn’t say it and he doesn’t show it, and with my insecurity and fear of breaking up suddenly again I push to try and get him to show some affection, which ends up making him annoyed, which makes me retreat and question everything. It’s a vicious circle. I also don’t have anyone I don’t feel I could call a best friend, in the true sense of the word. I have my best friend Bec who I have been close with for over 10 years now but I don’t get to see her nearly as often as I’d like and I don’t want to burden her with all the shit that goes on in my life. I don’t feel like I have a best girlfriend up here that I can call on at anytime and we can do stupid shit together and talk all sorts of girl talk and get drunk together and I can be my true, true self. I felt like I had found a friend like that, a girl I work with, someone outside of Mitch’s friends, and she is probably the reason I am still sane at work, but she’s moving to Brisbane in a couple of weeks and I’m really going to miss her. It’s been really hard for me to even make friends since moving here.
My life is great. Last weekend we were out with friends for most of it. The weekend before we took the boat out for a day to go fishing on the reef. So why do I feel so bored? Is this what life in your 20’s is? I don’t want to go out partying every weekend, but I don’t know what I want. I want excitement and adventure but I also want time at home. Half my weekend is taken up just by housework but I finish and the house still looks dirty, plus then the floors are filthy within a couple of hours anyway. What’s even the point?
I don’t know, maybe this is just an emotion that will pass in a week or so. I hope so, because this indifferent feeling is just crap, especially when I have no reason at all to be feeling it. Anyways, back to work tomorrow, same shit different week I’m sure. Do it all again.
Lots of love,
Swear Jar – Illy
LANGUAGE WARNING – but it’s a good one for when you’re feeling angry. I should put it on now just so I feel something. I always joke with my friend from work that one day we’ll snap and jump up on a table and start singing it. Play it loud.