As I’ve said in the past, I am a people pleaser. And unfortunately one of the downfalls of trying to please everyone is you get stepped, trodden, and walked all over. And I’ve decided that is enough is enough, I need to start standing up for myself.
The tipping point was today at work. I was sent an invite to a meeting and was advised that a manager would let me know what session to attend. I was never advised. Normally that would be fine and I would just ask others where I should be but I’d had enough. Too many times I’ve had this happen, meetings change place, time, or are cancelled, or there will be morning tea, or someone has come in to visit, and I’m not told, it feels like I’m invisible half the time! So I actually stood up for myself. I emailed the manager and voiced my frustration in a constructive way and I’ve received an apology, and an alternative solution which I’m not happy with so I’ll just stand up for myself again. It feels really good. Normally I would sit and stew, getting angrier and angrier as I overthink and think about how else the world screws me over until I’m inconsolable and the tiniest action will lead to an explosion and I usually feel pretty stupid afterwards. But no, today I changed tactic, and I defused myself, and the world is good again.
Leading up to this point and knowing I needed to change my ways was another situation last week when we went out for dinner with some of Mitch’s friends. Everyone had eaten and I was still waiting for my meal, and even I know I was way too nice when the chef came out and showed me the receipt to say that all meals had come out, despite me having an empty space in front of me where my meal should have been. By way of apology the restaurant offered me a free drink. Generous, considering I was driving, so I accepted my $3 free soft drink graciously, despite the tirade of abuse going through my head. Talking about it when I got home, I used the excuse that because I was with people I didn’t really know I didn’t want to make a scene and make things awkward if I demanded a refund. Whilst it probably still would have happened in a similar way if I was a bit more confident or with different people, it still doesn’t really make up for the fact that I just did not stand up for myself at all.
All my life I have been like this, trying to please everyone and avoid conflict when it only makes me angry and hurt or I end up getting used. There is being nice and there is just being a pushover, and I’m ready to change my ways to make myself more confident, put myself first more and stand up for myself, without becoming a total bitch.
I say I need to grow some balls, but all us girls know that balls are weak, soft, and flinch if you go anywhere near them, so really I need to grow a vagina (or strengthen my existing one?? Sorry family!), because those things can take a beating and still keep doing their job. Why is the term grow some balls anyway? It makes no sense.
So if you piss me off, I’m going to tell you in a firm, constructive way. No more smiling through the hurt, no more pretending everything is fine when it isn’t, no more avoiding conflict because it could run the risk of making something awkward. It’s time to woman up. The world isn’t going to end if I do it once in a while.
Get ready world. The tougher, stronger Eloise is coming for you and is ready to tell you when you’re not living up to my standards.
Lots of love,
Fencesitter – Ball Park Music
I don’t want to be a fence sitter. I don’t regret all my tattoos. Still a great song. 3 more weeks until I see them live.