I’m sitting here on the filthy floor of the house I know I should have cleaned today, and I feel nothing but guilt that it didn’t get done but I just couldn’t physically bring myself to do it this morning.
Today was a bad day.
No reason at all for it to be a bad day, in fact from the outside it seems like a completely normal, pretty good day actually. But my head doesn’t think so.
I’m not OK. I’m finally ready to admit this. I’m not OK, I’m tired of fighting, I’m tired of accepting this as how I am. It’s not OK to accept this. But it is OK to admit it.
I’ve always just said this is how I am, it’s how I’m wired and there’s nothing I can do to change it. I overthink everything. I’m always on edge about something, every few days I’m convinced I’m going to come home to bad news. I think the worst of every situation possible. I make up all sorts of scenarios in my head and somehow convince myself that that’s what is going on, that is what’s going happen, when to a normal person it would appear crazy.
I think I have anxiety. The signs are pointing to it from what I’ve researched.
All was normal last week, I was feeling good, things were going good, then an article came up on Facebook about helping someone with anxiety. And every single example used hit the god damn nail on the head for me. And how I saw things changed.
I have it in my head I can’t rely on anyone else, that every single person is going to let me down at some point in my life and I would have been better off doing everything myself. That’s not right. Also I am generally good at being out in public, but there’s just days I can’t. I want to, I want to be around people, but I would rather be curled in a ball, and I can’t explain to those around me. This is getting better but I have suffered so much in the past, not knowing why all of a sudden I just could not face going anywhere and seeing anyone without wanting to just burst into tears and cry and cry and cry.
Mitch joked that he didn’t want to get married the other week, and I knew he was joking, I know it’s not serious, but at that point in time all I can think is that he said that because he is still in love with his ex and I will never live up to her expectations. Who thinks that out of that comment?
I always thought I thought like this so I would be ready and prepared for any situation that came for me, and when bad things happened I had this sick sense of satisfaction that this is why I think the way I do, because bad things happen and I need to be ready to deal with them mentally. No one can spend their life waiting for bad things to happen, it’s unhealthy, but that is what I’ve been subconsciously feeling.
And the guilt, oh the guilt. If Mitch is ever upset it’s my automatic assumption that I’ve done it and it’s all my fault. I hate the thought of ever doing wrong by anyone and sometimes when I say things later I will sit and think about how what I said may have come across wrong and maybe I’ve upset them and they must think the worst of me now. I continuously worry about my movements and my actions and how they may be perceived by others, I want to keep everyone happy but at the cost of my own happiness and peace of mind sometimes.
And the worst is not letting go of situations. I want to let go of things, I tell myself that something is sorted and everything is good and I am over it, but the slightest, smallest thing can flick that switch and I have latched back on to worrying and going over and over it in my head.
I think the anxiety is bad today because of what today is. Today is a year since that terrible day that Mitch and I broke up. And whilst it was only a couple of weeks, and whilst everything is good now, and whilst everyone reading is probably wondering why I still go on about it, I just can’t let go, no matter how much I want to. I try and try and try and it still plays on my mind, and knowing that today was that day a year ago messes me up. I know everything is good, of course it is, but anytime we have a fight, or things don’t feel right, that switch flicks and I’ve latched back onto that thought that if he’s broken up with me once, he can do it again. And I start planning. Last time I started looking at units I could buy to get myself out quickly. It was just a normal fight that every couple has but I am never able to process it like normal people. I overthink about what could happen, the absolute worst thing can happen, and that’s all my mind will let me focus on, nothing rational, just the worst so I can be ready for if it happens.
But I’m done. I’m so done. I’m exhausted. I don’t want to fight my mind anymore trying to convince it it’s being absolutely ridiculous and I’m done trying to tell Mitch what is actually going through my head without sounding completely insane.
I have great people around me now, and a close friend that has been where I have been and has done wonders for me, listened to my insecurities and understood, sent me quotes that help her through a bad day and sent me articles to show me that I’m not alone in why I think how I do but that help is available. Until a couple of weeks ago I didn’t think help was available for someone like me.
And that is probably the absolute worst part of mental health. We don’t realise that there is a solution for why we do what we do. My god, I have been a massive advocate about speaking out about mental health, seeing someone close to me go through their own illness every day, and even began studying it, and I was still completely blind to what was going on in my own goddamn head. How messed up is that? I guess in some stupid way I didn’t think I had it as bad as others, that mine was manageable because I would never do anything about it, I’ve had all the dark, disturbing thoughts and thought about some really messed up shit but I’ve always brought myself back to reality, never thought I would go through with it, and for that fucked up reason I thought that was OK. That is not OK. If I had an excruciating pain for a week every three months, plus a more milder pain on a regular basis inbetween that would I just sit back and think ‘well I’m not dying from it so she’ll be right’, no I probably wouldn’t, so I don’t know why the hell I thought I could do that with my mind.
See saying it all out loud now makes it seem so crazy, even I can barely believe the shit that I think, but at that point in time to me there is not other solution but that one in my head.
So I’m booked in to see a doctor this week, to go through a few solutions to help me get back on the right track. I may be exhausted and flat but I’m so relieved. Things are going to get better. Even if it’s a mild solution, or it will take a while to get there, there’s gotta be an improvement. But writing about it has made me feel a hell of a lot better, I can breathe a little better right now, until the next thing sets me off.
And if this hits home for you like it did for me two weeks ago, do something about it. Talk to a close friend. Get some help. Because you don’t have to put up with it, you don’t have to just say it’s how you are and you can’t change that. You are not alone.
Lots of love,
I’m A Fantastic Wreck – Montaigne
Says it all really.