Here I am. Back in this tin can of germs and stuffy air, and the guy in front of me, who’s sitting in the emergency row, has put his seat right back so I’m digging my knee into his back just to spite him.

I’m making yet another emergency flight back home, after the passing of my sweet, beautiful grandma.

The heartbreak this time is horrible. It’s come as a shock to me, because last time I saw her she was her usual self, granted a bit more frail as she is each time I saw her, but I thought she would be here forever. Despite all the crap we went through last year though, and all the flying back and forsth, it means that I got to see her a fair bit last year, and spend more time with her than I had since moving away, so I definitely don’t regret or see the dark side now of all the time I spent down in Victoria.

I’m not good with death and saying goodbye, I haven’t had much experience with it in my lifetime, my pop passing away in December was the first grandparent I lost. So it’s hard, it’s never easy for anyone, but it’s fucking hard. I’m so tired from being strong, but we’ve just gotta keep picking ourselves up and keep going. Fortitudo et Audentia.

I want to talk about how wonderful she was, but I don’t need to justify it to everyone else. It also feels superficial because words don’t fully describe how she was. Everyone’s grandma is special in their own way. But her relationship with my grandfather (or Gaga as we call him, thanks to my little brother Henry and his interpretation of grandpa) is something I want to aspire to. If I can be half as happy as they were, I will have a great life. We all celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary just before I moved to Cairns, over 50 years and you could always see the love between them, see how they supported each other and did everything together and all their travelling they did together, with their nicknames, Gaga pinching her on the bum, and always sleeping in the same bed, even if they had to sleep in single beds. I’m a complete romantic but it does show me that true love exists.

I still don’t believe she’s gone, and touching down and being with family in this terrible time is going to be hard, but we have a wonderful family, pulling together with each heartbreak we go through together, always coming out stronger.

What I also found so touching in this time is the kindness of strangers and work colleagues, who are also friends. When grandma passed at home the paramedics came, and they stayed with my grandpa until family arrived, having tea and cake with him and making sure he wasn’t alone. I’m sure they had other jobs to do but the fact they stayed just shows how incredible and compassionate they are, at what can be people’s worst times. Paramedics really don’t get the credit they deserve. Also arriving at the airport I got the random bag swab (as I do everytime, I must look dodgy) and when the staff member asked what I was doing down in Melbourne, as most times people are travelling for fun, I got a bit teary, and she pulled me into a big hug and said how terrible it was and wished me the best. It’s those small acts that mean the world to someone. I received the phone call from mum while I was at work, and to everyone that held me as I cried, and wiped the mascara from my cheeks, you are all so wonderful.

So we go to celebrate the life of my grandma. It saddens me a little that she didn’t get the chance to see the family expand, for her to meet any future great-grandchildren or be there if and when I got married, but the family she brought into the world are all very special and very close and dear to her.

Lots of love,

Moments – Bliss N Eso

Just yes, perfectly fitting. Also new Bliss N Eso is just yes. Can’t wait to see them peform in Cairns.